The journey begins

With the decision to begin my journey I find my self searching for the next step. I sit here prepared to write some phenomenal story about how actively I have taken on my decision (like some superhero) and have gone out and fixed it all. But I haven't.

If there is anything I have come to terms with, it is that as a mother i have given myself unrealistically high expectations of who i am to be. As I have told you I am only 22 years old and i am not supermum. Although despite all my efforts, I have come to the understanding that, although I have dreamt of it, I am not the idyllic suburban 1940's housewife. 

So my first step is to come back to reality. Now let's take this journey one step in the right direction and swap the unrealistic for the realistic. 

I am by no means a genius nor a psychologist just because I can acknowledge a problem does not mean I know how to change it, I just know I want to. I am only human.

With a new motto of "keep it real", I have decided that although I now can see a change is needed, it is in fact deciding what exactly needs to be change that is the next step. I felt in order to do this I need to turn the focus of my concern around and look at myself. What do I need, as a young 22 year old woman. What is lacking in my life that I had not paid attention to until now. Subsequently i have now attempted to force myself into a quiet space and let my brain breath. I have forced myself to trust that my daughter, as well as myself, are going to survive a couple of hours apart. And with taking on a little bit of selfishness i hope to see what is missing and step by step take each new discovery into consideration and work towards fixing them....in baby steps.

I have come up with a small list of things to begin with, things that I feel are in my ability to change, some small some big. To start off with I have began a long annoying process of doctor consultations to deal with things medically. As a result I have been recommended I see "someone" to deal with my "identity issues" (what mother isn't insane?).

Never the less I took this into consideration and as a result I expect to be poked, prodded and overanalyzed ridiculously this week.

On top of all that I have began to analyze the way I see and do things in my every day life that I waste valuable sanity on. For example i now ask myself things like " do I really need to go godzilla on my partner or should I just put the toilet seat down myself?" or "do my floors really have to shine every day of the week?".

But hopefully after all the doctors appointments I may have developed a bit of insight (or a one way ticket to the loony bin).

But so far I wouldn't exactly be able to say what, how or even if I have changed anything, but honestly the first step was admitting that something wasn't right. Admitting that i am not a bad mother, and in the mean time I'll hopefully learn something through becoming a bit self-centered. xx